losing

reccently ati sgt2 cpt tersentuh..dunno y..
if tgk video sedih terutamanya berkaitan dgn kehilangan yg abadi,confirm bergenang2 air kt mata ni..
sebak sgt mcm aku je yg ada kt situasi tu..
kehilangan yg amat sgt memeritkan..
kehilangan yg mungkin xkn kembali lg..
kehilangan insan tersayang kekal tok selamanya..
slalu terfikir how m i gonna react if someday i'll lost my mum n dad or my sis n bros sedangkan hilang sbb putus cinta pn dh merana bertaun2..
ak sgt2 yakin ak xkn mampu tok berlagak tabah n redha if aku kehilangan insan2 penting ni..
dan d sbbkn sgt2 trauma dgn kehilangan,aku pilih tok tutup ati ni dr insan bergelar lelaki..
aku dh xnk alami rasa kehilangan lg wlupun kehilangan tu cuma sementara..
aku dh rasa sakit yg teramat bl aku kehilangan die..
aku hilang sume..
tahun ni taun ke-4 ak ilang die..
de worst part ever when i was at my final year..
puas pujuk ati tp smpai ke suda xleh trima hakikat..
yup..up till now ak stil trase lg kehilangan die.
he affected my whole life in every single aspect since de 1st time we met..
n now ak cukup takut tok buka ati kt sapa2 lg sbb ak dh xnk rasa kehilangan..
cukupla skali tu je..
bia la org len ckp ak ego ke,keras ati ke,keras kepala ke but ak slesa cmni..
ak x yakin ak blh bka ati kt org len within dis period..
ak dh tolak ramai org yg siyes nakkn ak..
ak tolak lamaran dorg sbb ak tau ati aku ni cmne..
once ak ckp ak xleh nk time,smpai ke suda aku ttp xleh time wlu usaha cmne sklipn..
ak sgt2 takut if someday hbgn tu x ke mana tp when de time comes,aku xnk terluka sorg2 lg..
susah nk bangun dr luka tu..
take years to forget evn dh lama forgive him..
bia la org ckp papepn tp andai ego aku tu leh halang ak dr terus terluka,ak pilih tok single je..
smpai msa ada la insan yg berjaya buka ati ni blk..

i wanna get marry..so much freaking bad..i wanna hv my own family..to raise my own babies..to spend time wif my beloved..to b a pious wife to my hubby etc..
but when people asking me for marriage,so sudden i become frightened to death..n slowly trying to avoid them..n later,refuse to reply their text..
i wanna get marry but at de same time im afraid if im gonna gv them false hopes..love n marriage r  siyes matters..n i juz wanna marry someone dat i love de most n spend de rest of my life wif him..
for now on i prefer to b alone without having any siyes relationship wif others..

im gonna turn into 25 on dis coming 16/2/2014..at dis age,i hv to think bout my future already..